Hardman: I Just Don't Get Women

Columnist explores the cultural differences between men and women.


In this case, my credentials are impeccable.

I was raised by women: my mother, and my sister, who is 9 years older than me.

There wasn't much room for slacking with the two of them watching over me.

I was even an unofficial Girl Scout when I was a wee lad. Right now, there are a bunch of 60-year-old women who got their babysitting badges because of me.

I have two adult daughters.

Out of my 51 years on this earth, I have been married for 21 of them.

I should know about women.

I don't.

The other day I found a hole in the bottom of my shoes, so now I'm down to four pairs of footwear: boots, sneakers, dress shoes and walking shoes.

My mom never had this problem, as she had a closet full of shoes. What she did was buy every pair of size 5 shoes she could find, just in case there was a run of size-5-feet women in the population.

I'm totally lost in the shoe store.

Forget how they feel right out of the box.  I want to know how they are going to feel after three years of being stuffed in the back of my closet.

Just that's just one thing I don't understand. I never will.

What I need is someone to wear my shoes for a couple of months, break them in and then give them back to me, all worn in.

I don't get the whole make-up thing, either.

Sure, I like it from a visual sense, but I don't think you have to look like you're going out for the evening when you are just hitting the drive-through for a cup of coffee.

Somewhere in the videotapes of my local coffee shop there's a bunch of shots of this guy with wild morning hair, not shaven, fostering the early caveman look in ripped clothing, ordering a medium iced coffee.

Oh yeah, that would be me.

When I put on a suit and tie, I'm told I clean up pretty good, which brings me to the next thing I don't understand about women.

Why all the emphasis on laundry? My wife has us on a two times a week rotation, so the hamper never gets too full.

In my bachelor years, I used the pile system. I would put all my worn clothes in a pile. After it almost reached the ceiling, I went into the closet and flipped the pile upside down and started my rotation all over again.

I might not have fresh clothes, but I hadn't worn them in weeks.

It worked for me...at the time.

Women worry about stuff that men don't even think about.

My wife told me I was getting crow's feet around my eyes. She said I had to do something about it.

First of all, I didn't know what the heck crow's feet were. Second, I have no idea how to treat anything in the cosmetic world.

With men, it's a basically the philosophy of "I am what I am."

Men are born with the gift of being able to sit in front of a TV for hours in the same position, watching the same things over an over.

That's my Sunday. In the time I am in a reclining mode, my wife has accomplished a million things around the house.

Oh yes, we are different creatures.

I, for one, am sure happy about that.

If it weren’t for the women in my life, I'd probably be buried under one of those piles of clothes.

Lorna Ulmer January 29, 2012 at 01:22 PM
LOL, loved your piece. When I have time I'll address the above re: a middle aged womans take on men. Lorna


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