“Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward the Groins of Strangers.” - Dave Barry
Okay! First of all, I’m not at all happy to have this wannabe hurricane grabbing all the media attention and more importantly, all my readers!
Stories about (whose name I refuse to mention); stories about how the ; tips from Patch on ; accounts of that was done, and about this blowhard of a storm grabbed the top spots in readership in every Patch community where the storm (whose name I still refuse to mention) hit.
That’s supposed to be me sitting atop the list of Most Popular Articles. That’s my spot! I work hard to attain that spot. Then some lousy, two-bit, half-baked tropical depression shows up out of nowhere and I’m nothing – left out for the trash like yesterday’s paper!
So what if there’s a tree lying on top of your house! Whoop-ti-do! You say you have no electricity, no cable, and no phone? Well la-ti-freaking-da! So you can’t shower or cook and you have no air conditioning! Suck it up, Sally! Get your priorities straight!
Remember, this is about me! What about me? What about my column? After all, what’s more important here, your health, your safety, your peace of mind or ?
Ah, that was very therapeutic! I feel much better now.
There’s a new program on TV called, One Moment Please – This channel should be available shortly – Ref Code SOaOO. It started the day of the storm (whose name I refuse to mention) and has been on ever since. It’s on Comcast channel, uh, well, I guess it’s really popular because it’s on every channel!
I guess I’m no longer considered part of the ‘hip’ crowd because for the life of me; I can’t figure out what all the fuss is about. This show certainly doesn’t have much of a story line. It’s probably one of those artsy, cult-type shows or something, not really my style, though I’ll have to admit; the blue screen is riveting. I think it may be a spy flick; you know, like James Bond, Agent 007. I figure it’s probably about one of Bond’s compatriots, Agent SOaOO.
As you’ve more than likely figured out by now, my Comcast service is out thanks to the storm (whose name……oh, never mind). I’ve had no home phone, cable TV or Internet connection since Sunday afternoon and I’m not happy about it! Oh, I know, in the big picture it’s merely a minor inconvenience, but we’re all spoiled.
We have our stuff; we like our stuff and we want to keep our stuff. And we hate it when someone messes with our stuff. When we don’t have our stuff we whine and complain. It’s the American way. So logic would tell us that if we lose our stuff and we don’t whine and complain, we’re un-American! And I don’t know about you, but I will not sit idly by and have someone call me un-American!
So, in keeping with the spirit that has made this country great; I’ve composed the following letter to the nice people at Comcast.
Dear Comcast or Xfinity or whatever the &*%&$@# it is that you call yourselves now;
Okay you scum-sucking, no-good lackeys! Where the *$#%! is my phone service? Where's my !%#@*$ cable TV? Where's my *%!&^# internet connection? I want a @!#$%&* credit on my *+=&%#* bill for every *$!%# day my service is out - got it? Good! Because as much as I hate @!*&^%$# Verizon, I'll switch internet providers in a &%$*@#! millisecond if you don't get with the &%!*$ program. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Robert H. Havey
So, what do you think? Pretty good, huh? I hope they read it. As you can obviously see, I put a lot of time and thought into it. You know, because I’m a writer by trade, I have a way with words. I’m a wordsmith per se. I possess the finely honed skills necessary to get my point across in a calm, understated way without having to resort to screaming and threatening and getting all bent out of shape as the untrained writer might do.
To those of you who have suffered the loss of your Comcast service, I hope my meticulously crafted letter has captured the essence of what it is that you would have said if only you were fortunate enough to have the immense talent that I obviously possess.
No need to thank me. It’s a gift.
Make it a great week!
Bob Havey is a freelance writer and a Mansfield native, currently living in Easton. His column "Take Me Back" appears each Friday at http://mansfield-ma.patch.com and his column, "The View From Here", may be seen each Tuesday at http://easton-ma.patch.com.