Wednesday, October 26, 2011
The columnist forges ahead in pursuit of a resolution to the issue of the bogus left turn signal at Five Corners. Could it be that this is the final chapter in this ongoing campaign? And, as is his custom, he gives us a little craziness along the way.
“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.” ~ George Carlin Okay, now I’ve seen it all. Well, I suppose I haven’t really seen it all. I’ve seen a lot in my lifetime, but ‘all’ may be a slight exaggeration. In reality, that’s just a figure of speech. I suppose it’s better defined as hyperbole; an exaggeration to create emphasis or effect; like saying, “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.” I’m fairly certain no one has ever been so hungry that they could actually devour an entire horse, unless perhaps they were a lion or they were a hanging with a pack of jackals; but I suppose they still wouldn’t be saying, “…
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Memories come back in the strangest ways.
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! ~ Dave Barry I‘m hopelessly trapped in a vortex somewhere between the late summer blues and early fall euphoria. As much as I had looked forward to the warm weather, veggie gardening and summer vacations; I’m ready for the cool, crisp autumn air and the unmistakable, musky fragrance of fallen leaves. The fall season invokes a lot of nostalgia for me. Neighborhood football games and ripped dungarees loaded with grass stains (no such thing as ‘jeans’ back then); rolling around in the enormous piles of leaves heaped up against the stonewall by the cemetery next to the old library …
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
The columnist thought he’d written all he could about the ongoing construction project at Five Corners. He was wrong!
Have you driven East on Route 106 in Easton lately? If you have and you’ve turned left at the intersection of Routes 106 and 123 at five, or six, or seven, or however many corners there are there now; you had to have noticed the bright, shiny, brand-spanking new left turn signals that were recently installed. Yes, I said signals – plural. There are two of them. Two signals would indicate to me that there are now two left turn lanes on Route 106 from which to make your turn on to Route 123. There’s one small problem though. Although there are, in fact, two left turn signals (arrows) and two ‘left turn only’ signs; there’s only one left turn lane, not two. The signal on the right is in the same lane from which those of us who travel this …
Friday, September 23, 2011
The columnist was once of the opinion that some things just don’t make sense. He has since amended that opinion and now believes that most things don’t make sense.
I’ve been unusually tired this past week. I realize that I’m not going to have the same zip I had back in the day, but this whole low energy deal is not acceptable. It’s cramping my style. My wife says I’m tired because I never sit still and I’m always juggling several projects at the same time. I don’t believe that’s the case but, then again; what man ever thought his wife had a valid opinion about anything? I thought a regular exercise routine would help with my energy deficiency so I joined Gold’s Gym a few months ago. I’ve just cancelled my membership, though. I don’t see spending the money every month if it’s not working for me. Apparently, I was expected to actually go to the gym if I expected to see results. Can you imagine? Like …
Friday, September 16, 2011
The columnist was watching the weather forecast on television and inadvertently caught one of the news stories. Now we’re the ones who have to pay for it!
Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’. ~ Robin Williams As I do most days, I got up at 5:45 this morning pushed the ‘start’ button on my coffee maker and turned on the TV to catch the daily weather report. Those of you who are familiar with my rampant caffeine addiction are probably wondering why I don’t have an automatic coffee maker; one that can be set for a pre-determined time so that coffee is ready and waiting as soon as I come downstairs in the morning. I actually do have an automatic coffee maker, but I have two reasons for not using that feature. First of all, I don’t trust appliances to operate the way they’re supposed to. In my estimation, they’re a disaster waiting to happen…
Friday, September 9, 2011
The columnist appears disgruntled, detached and a bit spacey today. Check it out and see what you think.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did.” – Jack Handey I have a dilemma. It’s rainy, cloudy and dreary outside, but that isn’t actually my real dilemma; it’s merely a contributing factor. My real dilemma is that it’s also rainy, cloudy and dreary inside – in my head. I’m not quite with it today. My thoughts are disjointed; like I’m in a fog clinging tenaciously to the jagged precipice between confusion and insanity. My brain seems to have made off to an undisclosed location and there’s no telling when it may be back, if ever. I normally enjoy rainy days. One of the things I missed…
Friday, September 2, 2011
It seems the columnist is a little keyed up over all the complaining in the aftermath of Hurricane Irene, yet it seems he’s joined the ranks of the very group he’s criticizing. We think he may be kidding. At least we hope he is!
“Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward the Groins of Strangers.” - Dave Barry Okay! First of all, I’m not at all happy to have this wannabe hurricane grabbing all the media attention and more importantly, all my readers! Stories about the approaching storm (whose name I refuse to mention); stories about how the storm affected each area; tips from Patch on how to weather the storm; accounts of the damage that was done, and article upon article upon ever-loving article about this blowhard of a storm grabbed the top spots in readership in every Patch community where the storm (whose name I still refuse to …
Friday, August 19, 2011
The columnist is coming off a long stretch of writing about serious issues. What happened to the fun stuff? Let’s take a peek and see which category this offering falls into.
Just then they came in sight of thirty or forty windmills that rise from that plain. And no sooner did Don Quixote see them that he said to his squire, "Fortune is guiding our affairs better than we ourselves could have wished. Do you see over yonder, friend Sancho, thirty or forty hulking giants? I intend to do battle with them and slay them. With their spoils we shall begin to be rich for this is a righteous war and the removal of so foul a brood from off the face of the earth is a service God will bless." "What giants?" asked Sancho Panza. "Those you see over there," replied his master, "with their long arms. Some of them have arms well-nigh two leagues in length." "Take care, sir," cried Sancho. "Those over there are not giants but…
Friday, August 12, 2011
Our columnist has seemingly rebounded from the tragic loss of the Seattle’s Best Coffee Shop at Borders, as well as his traumatic confession to his fear of massage therapy. But what’s all this about Shakespearian plays and bird droppings?
My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; he is more into bands with names like ‘Heave’ and ‘Squatting Turnips’. – Dave Barry I borrowed one of the more well-known lines from one of Shakespeare’s most revered plays, Romeo and Juliet, for my title this week. In truth, I only borrowed part of the title. The part about the bird poop is my own, but I’m guessing you had probably already figured that out. The story goes that old Bill wrote this line with the Rose Theatre in mind. The Rose, which was in competition with his own Globe Theater, was said to have rather shoddily maintained toilet facilities and, according to legend; this well-known line was Bill’s way of taking a cleverly-veiled shot at them. Yes, I call …
Friday, August 5, 2011
Our columnist reveals some personal struggles that you may not want to hear about, but apparently you’re going to anyway. Oh, and he also takes another look at the Borders liquidation , if you manage to get that far.
"You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time..." — Steven Wright My entire body aches! I’m still recovering from our little excursion to Storyland; eight-plus hours of spinning out of control with the Mad Hatter on the Giant Tea Cups; hitting the water at twenty-miles-an-hour at the bottom of a thirty-foot drop on the Bamboo Chutes; being jerked around wildly in the Crazy Barn; flying high on the Dutch Shoe, soaring in the Flying Fish, and suffering near-whiplash on the Polar Coaster. And now this past week I’ve been trying to catch up on two weeks of neglected gardening chores; …
Bob Havey
7:53 am on Friday, October 28, 2011
You're right, Kristen. The 'extra' light was covered, but it's still confusing because of the issue you mentioned. I don't know who designed this mess, but it's a ridiculous configuration. more ›